More than a Rut

More like a Perfect Storm

I’ve recently been stuck in my most unproductive stretch over the past several years. I started 2021 with the theme of 'growth', with intentions of growing my projects and myself into a more self-sufficient creator in my career course.

Instead, I’m regressing.

It’s frustrating, especially as I chose the theme of' growth' because of my confidence in the foundations I’ve laid out over the past few years for myself. It’s not that they weren’t built on solid ground, it that grey sky tempered my progress. Or more succinctly…

It’s just life.

All of my intentions, plans, and efforts just went head first into a perfect storm of difficult moments that has lead to a situation of no time, no sleep, and extreme exhaustion.

It was my Summer of Discontent (leading to the Fall of Disappointment). A rare time that I have just given up on fighting the momentum against me. I’ve written previously that there are times when the external and internal forces make it difficult to get things done in a controlled and workable fashion, but that you have to just push through. And I believe that is the way to be in most circumstances.

But there are also a few select times in life that so much is going on against your needs, that you need to realize it, accept it, and give into it. Where fighting the forces against you leaves you burnt out, with not much more being produced.

Now, that doesn’t mean you abandon your work and foundations that support that it. I’ve kept writing every single day, just not quite at the pace or depth that I want to be. I am staying on the horse, so to speak, albeit slowly, chipping away at work that I prioritize the most.

And I continue to push through and not give up on my other projects, even though they have slowed in pace and urgency. Everything is just glacial.

Now I’ve felt up against the wall since the beginning of the year, and in reality whenever you are pursuing side projects in addition to daily responsibilities it’s a grind. You don’t escape that chase, the feeling of being behind. All. The. Time.

But you keep grinding out, producing what you need to produce. It’s not easy. It’s not clean. But you get it done.

One thing I am realizing that I need a system of focus and daily reminder, which is what I’ve been doing the past two years in the form of journaling. I actually put a pause on that for the past two quarters, and now reflecting on it, may be a big reason for all of my falling behind.

Even with always feel behind of where I want my projects to be, I had that daily reflection to see what I did and what I need to do. It kept me honest and aware. Having stopped that daily ritual, seemed to have exacerbated the struggles of the past several months. Or conversely, what held me together during the first half of the year.

In all, I think it was a bit of everything— personal demands, job responsibilities, a loss of a system to keep focus. But the extraordinary pressures in my life right now are novel to me that I haven’t had to work through before.

I think everyone gets thrown into these moments a few times throughout their life, and as all things, shall come to pass. Unless it doesn’t and this is the new normal. Which yikes, but I would find ways to optimize and adapt to it. But I sure hope not.

That is a decision for another day. As the year winds down, I’ve refocused on what my theme is and maybe adjust and adapt it to what this year really showing its true theme to be.

Survive.